The Gingerbread Monk
by carcinophobicgeneticist
Summary: Cho Hakkai baked a cookie to eat with his afternoon tea. What he didn't expect was that the cookie would come alive and run away! An AU crack fractured fairytale featuring Genjyo Sanzo as the Gingerbread Monk. Shonen-ai/seinen-ai implied.


Once upon a time, Cho Hakkai was baking some gingerbread cookies. They smelled very, very good. Hakkai noticed that he had plenty of batter left over, so he shaped it into a tiny monk: a gingerbread monk. He gave the little monk a sutra made of frosting, a red M&M for a chakra, and a tiny harisen made of marzipan. Gently placing the gingerbread monk on a baking sheet and sliding him into the oven, Hakkai went on about his chores: emptying the ashtrays, cleaning up recent spills, and disposing of stray boxes and wrappers that _SOMEBODY_ had been inconsiderate enough to leave around.

When the timer went off, Hakkai put on oven mitts and opened up the oven to take out the monk cookie. OUT sprung the tiny gingerbread monk, threateningly brandishing his marzipan harisen and looking pretty pissed off, if also pretty good to eat.

"Oh my!" Hakkai exclaimed. "You don't see that every day. Now, if you don't mind, Gingerbread Monk-san, would you please lie down on this cooling rack so that you can cool down enough to be my afternoon snack with tea?"

"What?!" snapped the gingerbread monk. "Fuck no! I'm getting out of here now!" The gingerbread monk then smacked Hakkai with his harisen, leapt off the baking sheet to the kitchen floor, and ran away very quickly for one with such short legs.

"Dear me, I wonder where he picked up such language?" Hakkai adjusted his eyepiece sheepishly. "I suppose I should follow him, then..."

The gingerbread monk was running and running to escape the clutches of Hakkai as fast as his gingerbread legs could carry him when he reached a dingy bar. At the bar was a very handsome kappa with very long legs. "Woah, slow down there..." said the kappa, inhaling the wondrous spicy-sweet scent of the cookie. _"You_ smell just delicious. Surely you wouldn't deny me a little taste..."

"What?!" snapped the gingerbread monk. "Fuck no! You have...sleaze germs!" The gingerbread monk then smacked the kappa with his harisen and ran off down the road.

The kappa shrugged and sighed, watching the gingerbread monk make tracks into the far distance. "Well, well. I'll just have to go get some of that myself..."

The gingerbread monk was running and running to escape the clutches of the kappa and Hakkai until he came upon a grandiose, gothically styled chicken coop. Before the coop stood a goth chicken, who was spazzing out and flapping his wings. "EEEEEeeeEEEEEEKKKKK!! THE SKY IS FALLING! THE SKY IS FALLLLEEEENNNNGGGGG!!"

Then the chicken noticed the gingerbread monk and managed to gain some composure. "Oh, hello there, you tasty morsel. Mind if I give you a little peck? I'm famished!"

"What?!" snapped the gingerbread monk. "Fuck no! You keep your pecker to yourself!" The gingerbread monk then smacked the chicken with his harisen and ran off down the road.

The goth chicken started spazzing out again. "No fair! NNOOOOOOO FAIRRRRR!!"

The gingerbread monk was running and running to escape the clutches of the goth chicken, the kappa, and Hakkai when he came upon a strange place with a lot of skulls and candles everywhere. Before him stood a most illustrious pomegranate (yes, you read right, the pomegranate is standing) who laughed maniacally.

Then the pomegranate noticed the gingerbread monk. "MuAHAHAHAHA! You, my tiny baked good, are now trapped in the illusion world of LORD ZAKURO! Now, since Lord Zakuro's illustrious appetite LONGS for COOKIES, I AM GOING TO EAT YOU!!"

"What?!" snapped the gingerbread monk. "Fuck no! I wouldn't even let _Mew_ Zakuro eat me!" The gingerbread monk then smacked the pomegranate with his harisen and ran off down the road.

The pomegranate flailed frantically as a murder of crows descended and began to peck at him. "NOES! BUT WAIT! YOU ARE IN MY ILLUSION STILL!! Kekekekeke..."

The gingerbread monk was running and running to escape the clutches of the pomegranate, the goth chicken, the kappa, and Hakkai when he came upon a magical sparkly meadow that was all pink. In the meadow was a dashing, showy young bishop with a super shiny necklace and a totally adorable hat.

Then the bishop noticed the gingerbread monk. "Ooh, golly, you look good enough to eat, Gingerbread-han!" he giggled, skipping over to the cookie. "If I ate you, I could be all 'lolz cookie in my mouth'!"

"What?!" snapped the gingerbread monk. "REALLY fuck no! Your...pinkness...and sparkliness...YOU ARE SO GROSS!" The gingerbread monk then smacked the bishop with his harisen and ran off down the road.

The bishop stared after the gingerbread monk, a villanous smirk on his face. "Oh, I'll get you in the end, Gingerbread-han...I'll surely get you in the end."

So now the gingerbread monk was being chased by a bishop, a pomegranate, a goth chicken, a kappa, and Hakkai. This was made all the worse by the fact that he had just reached a rushing river.

The gingerbread monk just _hated_ rivers.

"Umm, are you good to eat??"

The gingerbread monk looked up to see a little monkey on the riverbank beside him.

"That's none of your business. If you can't help me cross the river, then shut up."

"Wahhhh?? You're mean! But crossing the river's easy. I can swim you across."

The cookie scowled up at the monkey. "You did _not_ just suggest what I thought you did."

"Suggest what?"

"You want me to ride _you_ across the river? Yeah, right. You'll just swim out there and eat me."

"Wahh, no, no!" The monkey waved his hands. "You can ride on my tail! Yeah, and then you'll be behind me where I can't eat you!"

The gingerbread monk had not considered this for too long when he began to once more hear the cries of "IS RAP TIEM!" and "PULPIT NAO!" that had followed him across the countryside for the whole of the escapade. "Shit! Fine. I'll do it."

"Yayy!" cried the monkey. "Hold on tight, Mr. Cookie!"

When the gingerbread monk's pursuers reached the bank of the river, they were taken aback at the sight before them. On the opposite bank sat the monkey, victoriously nibbling at the tiny gingerbread monk and grinning from ear to ear. "OM NOM NOM NOM NOM!"

The bishop removed his hat and hung his head. The illustrious pomegranate fought off a few birds. The chicken squirmed, clucking spastically. The kappa and Hakkai were locked in a passionate kiss, having forgotten about the gingerbread monk entirely.

The monkey licked the last of the crumbs from his lips. "Oooooh, nummy!! That was really, really good! I guess I should've told him I can pick stuff up with my tail, though!"

_"The end!" Tenpou concluded with a flourish._

_Goku clapped enthusiastically, while Kenren just raised an eyebrow. "I really don't get your stories, Tenpou."_

_"What else is there_ to _get? Goku liked it, didn't he?"_

_"Yeah, yeah! The gingerbread monk sounds yummy! But now I have a question, Ten-chan."_

_"Oh? What's that?"_

_"What's yaoi?"_

_The color disappeared from the faces of the field marshal and the general pretty quickly._

_"Yaoi?" Tenpou mused. "Oh now that is something truly special, Goku! Yaoi is when one ex--"_

_"Something's burning." Kenren cut in, sniffing the air._

_Tenpou jumped up, startled. "Dear me! I totally forgot about my baking!" He leapt to his feet and dashed out of the room._

_Goku stared after him quizzically. "Ten-chan can cook?"_

_"Ten-chan can do a lotta things, Monkey." Kenren sighed, following Tenpou to whatever kind of kitchen they had in the celestial military._

_They dashed into the kitchen as Tenpou was pulling on on a pair of oven mitts. "It's under control! I have it under control! Yes, here we go..."_

_Tenpou had barely opened the door of the stove when OUT popped a tiny, singed gingerbread Konzen! Tenpou, Kenren, and Goku stared wide-eyed at the angry little cookie as it shook a fist at the three._

_"K...K...Konzen?" Goku ventured._

_"ROARRRRR!" exclaimed the cookie, and as the men looked on in horror, it leapt straight for Goku's face..._


End file.
